Apparently I married Emily Post.
While sitting down to dinner last night I asked Brian a question. He didn’t make eye contact, nod, raise a finger; basically I got no sign that he heard me.
Me: So what, you’re ignoring me?
Brian: No. I’m polite. I don’t talk with my mouth full.
He said this as if I were some disgusting pig bellied up to the trough, spraying chewed food over our dinner plates. Immediately after he said these words, I walked upstairs to get my ideas notebook. I wrote it down because this was news to me. I then asked Mr. Manners to clarify some things. I wasn’t aware the following were proper etiquette.
- adjusting yourself in public
- itching yourself in public
- neglecting to flush the toilet
- farmer blowing (a.k.a. blowing a snot rocket) on the front lawn
- farting a foot from my head while I bathe Scarlett
- scratching your gumline with your fingernail, then examining the findings
- cleaning your nails at the dinner table with a pocket knife
- popping a zit, then exclaiming “I got it” while I’m brushing my teeth
- sniffing your arm pits
- wiping your used floss on your pants after clearing out a chunk of food
- ignoring what should be a basic human right, personal space
This is all the behavior I observed yesterday. Yes, this all happened in a 24-hour time frame. Imagine the list I could compile after a week.
For the record, Brian may not talk with his mouth open, but he has no problem chewing with his mouth a gaping hole. Despite all this, I still love my Mr. Manners.
